I’m a firm believer that the past is far easier to bear if we can find something of benefit in it; however small. It would be untrue to suggest this is easy: it’s a long and difficult path but it is one that is well worth the trek.
Personally, I believe my past has allowed me to develop strength, resilience, adaptability, empathy, understanding, character, decisiveness, and a wicked sense of humour… but holy hell, I walked through my fair share of shite to learn all that. Thing is: shite makes great fertiliser – I grew and grew and grew!!
If you would like a little more help discovering your growth and releasing your past, Sage Counsel is here to help.
Worry, anxiety, stress, panic… four variations of the same issue, and not one of them brings anything pleasant to our lives. Anxiety is something I encounter daily through my work and life in general. In fact, I would go so far as to suggest it is a 21st Century epidemic.
I thought I would share an exercise that I employ daily, on a personal level, and frequently to help people suffering from anxiety, panic or chronic worry and stress. It is intended to be used day-to-day to reduce anxiety and (ideally) to prevent panic attacks entirely. It focuses on the five senses and can be discreetly practised ANYWHERE at ANY TIME.
HOW do you do it? I will walk you through the exercise
WHERE can you do it? I will suggest how to incorporate it into your daily routine.
WHY would you do it? I will explain the many benefits of the exercise when practised with regularity and commitment.
Ready? Here we go:
Take a seat. Press pause on ‘busy’; life will still be waiting for you in 10 minutes’ time when you are done. Place your feet firmly on the floor, legs uncrossed. Allow your shoulders to drop and release any tension they may be carrying.
Relax your jaw. Relax your brow. Feel the muscles in your face loosen. Feel the weight of your body on the seat; where your body makes contact with the chair…
Without scanning the area, focus on what you can see with your peripheral vision. Find FIVE things you can see. Without active examination, note their colour: the shade and depth. Note the texture. Note how it might move. Note the quality of each of the five things you can see. How does each item make you feel?
Now focus on identifying FOUR things you can feel: perhaps what you are sitting on; a particular item of clothing; the breeze on your face; a fly landing on your arm. Notice the textures, surface pressure, temperature. Note the quality of each of the four things you can feel. What feelings are triggered by each item?
Again, refocus. This time identify THREE things you can hear: perhaps a dog barking in the distance; the hum of a fridge; the ticking of a clock; the dripping of a tap; the laughter of children playing in the street. Notice the tone, the pitch, the volume. Note the quality of each of the three things you have selected to hear. How does each of them make you feel?
Shift your attention to identify TWO things you can smell: perhaps the scent of a passer-by; the coffee in your hand; freshly cut grass; nearby flowers; freshly baked bread. Notice the quality of each of the two things you are focusing on. What images do they conjure? How do they make you feel?
Finally, identify ONE thing you can taste: perhaps it is toothpaste; your last cigarette; the residual taste of chocolate; the froth of an ice-cold beer. Note the quality of what you can taste. How does it make you feel? What images does it stir for you?
Now, open yourself up to the wholeness of the environment around you. No matter how mundane a spot, or how often you frequent the space, it is unlikely that you will ever replicate the combination of sensory triggers you have just experienced. Take note of any things you particularly enjoyed. How might you incorporate them into your daily life? Perhaps a ticking clock was soothing and you might like one at home. Perhaps the dripping tap was irritating and it might improve your environment if it was fixed. Contemplate each experience and appreciate those that brought positivity and peace. In environments where you spend significant time, it may be worth considering how those with negative effects might be addressed.
Where are you supposed to do this?
Each day, complete this exercise in a different environment: outdoors, indoors, at home, at work, at the beach, in a park, in a coffee shop or library. If you are uneasy with just sitting and appearing strange to passers-by, hold an open book without reading, or put in headphones which aren’t connected to anything. If you wish, you could keep a journal of your sensory experiences.
BUT WHY???
The happy by-products of the sensory exercise include deeper, energising and calming breathing, slowed heart-rate, connection with our environment, appreciation for our ability to experience the world through our senses, mindful presence, and identifying sensory stimulants that encourage inner peace and positivity so that we may incorporate them with intent into our daily lives.
So there you have it: 10 minutes a day will save you a whole lot of time recovering from an anxiety attack… or allow you to stop avoiding your life!
If you would like a little more help managing anxiety or stress, Sage Counsel is here to help
Low self-esteem can impact every area of life: private, personal and professional.
“What if everyone else sees right through me?!”
“Who could ever truly love me? I can’t even love myself.”
“How will I ever get promoted when I am practically invisible?”
“Why can’t I just mingle, like everyone else does?”
Imagine how much easier life would be if you could just believe in yourself… Imagine what life might be like if you were not plagued with self-doubt… Imagine if you were your own biggest supporter…
These FIVE simple tips will help you to get yourself on track to being a more confident, assertive you!
Start fresh! Start every day with a new intention: something specific, measurable, achievable and relevant. For example, “Today I shall smile and greet 5 total strangers.” This is quite specific; no doubt what it is you plan on doing. It is measurable: you can count them off on your fingers. It is absolutely achievable: you can count them off on the fingers OF ONE HAND. It is relevant to you: to increase your confidence, you must venture out of your comfort zone – greeting strangers is certainly doing that (baby steps!).
Start changing your “self-talk”. Our thoughts become our reality. If you continuously tell yourself that you are not worthy, all too soon, you will begin to believe it. Flip the script! Repeat something positive to yourself every time you pass a mirror/window. Something like “I am kind and considerate”, or “I am a good listener.” Guess what…? Soon enough, you might even truly believe it!!
Be positive! Maybe you’ve heard the saying “Money attracts money”? Well, positivity attracts positivity. If you notice something good about another person, tell them. If you appreciate the actions of another, thank them. If you enjoyed the time spent with a friend, let them know. If you put positivity out into the world, it will come back to you. You might be surprised when you hear how much you are appreciated and valued.
Reframe! Get a notepad, marker and some sticky notes. Write a long list of the bad things you are NOT. Now, find their opposite and write the keyword on a sticky note in CAPITALS. For example: “I am not a liar” becomes “I am honest”, “I am not a gossip” becomes “I am trustworthy”, “I am weird” becomes “I am unique”. Write “HONEST”, “TRUSTWORTHY” and “UNIQUE” on sticky notes. Take the sticky notes to a mirror in your home that you use often, or see before you start your day. Place all the sticky notes around the frame of the mirror. Every morning before you start your day or leave home, stand in front of that mirror and read the sticky notes aloud: “I am honest. I am trustworthy. I am unique.” Do this every day, as many times a day as you like/want/need to.
Opinions are not facts! Have you heard the saying “What others think of you is none of your business”? While it is very true, some people insist on sharing their thoughts about us, with us… and they are not always positive or even constructive. But their opinion is not necessarily fact: so if it is bothering you or making you doubt yourself, fact check using these two questions: Is there evidence that proves XYZ? Is there evidence contrary to XYZ (proving it to be false)? Be thorough and factual, without emotion clouding your judgement.
Check it off EVERY DAY!
So there you have it! 5 simple tips to boost your confidence. If you would like more tips and tricks to improve your wellbeing, subscribe to my blog and I’ll keep you in the loop:
If you would like some support and guidance, Sage Counsel is here to help
In an earlier blog “Is Depression Getting You Down?”, I referred to resilience and how it can help to defend against depression. In that blog, I introduced mindfulness as a way to build resilience. Another way is to train yourself to shrug off insults and envy (offences).
My kids have often come home from school crying: “So-and-so said XYZ about me!” I ask if XYZ is true… more often than not, it is not. To which I respond “Well if you know it is untrue, then So-and-so is mistaken. If it is untrue, then you needn’t worry your head about it.”
As adults, this argument remains true. The bigger an issue we make out of someone’s offence towards us, the more attention we draw to it. If we refuse to acknowledge the offence, it suggests that it is unworthy of our notice… that it is irrelevant, uninteresting and unimportant.
“The lady doth protest too much, methinks”
Hamlet Act III, Scene II. Shakepeare
I think we can all agree that Shakespeare is a pretty smart guy, and his writings (if not his wardrobe choices!) remain relevant today. In 21st Century society, airtime gives credibility… so by denying airtime to something, we are denying it a means of existence.
If we allow the offence space in our world, it becomes a negative thought in our mind. CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) draws links between our thoughts, behaviours and emotions and how each affects the other.
CBT Cycle of Consequences
Let’s create a sample situation, and follow two possible responses to an offence: Mary and Jane were in the same circle of friends. Mary told all their friends that Jane had made a pass at her boyfriend.
Scenario 1 (Jane reacts to the offence): Jane knows this to be untrue, however the offence has crept into her headspace and taken hold. THOUGHTS: “What if people believe Mary?”, “What if no one believes my side of the story?”, “What if my friends all turn their backs on me?”‘ “What if no one trusts me around their boyfriends ever again?”… the ‘what if’s’ just keep coming. FEELINGS: As a result, Jane experiences feelings of anxiety, doubt, insecurity, fear, anger, frustration. BEHAVIOURS: These feelings lead Jane to alter her behaviours: Jane now avoids being alone with anyone’s boyfriend (implying guilt or shame). Jane completely avoids Mary and her boyfriend (also implying guilt and shame). Jane speaks to all her friends about the situation, denying Mary’s claim (feeding the rumour mill and extending the lifespan of the situation). Jane considers abandoning her circle of friends and finding a whole new social circle (implying guilt and shame). THOUGHTS: The cycle continues… Jane’s new pattern of behaviours lead to even more negative thoughts: “What if my new friends turn on me too?”, “What if my new friends hear Mary’s lies and believe them to be true?”, “What if I just go ahead and do what Mary accused me of, since I’m being assumed guilty anyway?”
Another level of feelings and behaviours follow from these thoughts, and the cycle carries on indefinitely until Jane no longer recognises herself anymore.
Now let’s imagine Jane had an alternative reaction:
Scenario 2 (Jane does not engage with the offence): Although Jane is bothered by Mary’s claims, she refuses to be provoked into ‘battle’. Thoughts: “What the hell is up with Mary?”, “Mary must have some serious issues.”, “People have no reason to believe Mary’s claim against me, so I have nothing to be concerned about here.” Feelings: As a result of these thoughts, Jane may experience feelings of confusion, concern (for Mary), empathy, security and faith (in her greater circle of friends). Behaviours: These feelings and thoughts do not lead to any great changes in Jane’s behaviour. Jane avoids no one and carries on exactly as before. To her circle of friends, this can go one of two ways: Some may believe she is guilty and her behaviour makes her shameless (these people are not true friends, and are no great loss to Jane). Others see Jane’s lack of a reaction to be evidence that she gives it no credence. They may enquire with Jane as to what happened, but they will also likely accept Jane’s bewilderment as fact. Thoughts: Jane now has a clearer picture of who her real friends are. She is even more secure in those friendships and puts her time and energy into more worthy connections. This deeper investment in Jane’s true friendships allows Jane to feel even more connected and confident. What could have had a seriously undesirable outcome, has in fact served Jane quite well.
Obviously, this is an oversimplification of a hypothetical scenario, but you get what I’m getting at: If I refuse a ‘gift’, then the gift remains with the giver… If I refuse the negativity of an offence, then the negativity remains with the offender and is neither mine nor my problem. This refusal is a show of assertiveness; assertiveness is an element of resilience.
In theory, this should be quite simple: “Thanks, but no thanks!”. However, life is rarely so simple, and this type of resilience is a skill that is developed over time. If you find yourself getting dragged into other people’s drama and taking it on board, then it may be helpful to get support and guidance to show you how to avoid these pitfalls; reducing stress, anxiety, and possibly avoiding a spiral into depression. Sage Counsel is here to help.
Without scanning the area, focus on what you can see with your peripheral vision. Find FIVE things you can see. Without active examination, note their colour: the shade and depth. Note the texture. Note how it might move. Note the quality of each of the five things you can see. How does each item make you feel? 
Now focus on identifying FOUR things you can feel: perhaps what you are sitting on; a particular item of clothing; the breeze on your face; a fly landing on your arm. Notice the textures, surface pressure, temperature. Note the quality of each of the four things you can feel. What feelings are triggered by each item? 
Again, refocus. This time identify THREE things you can hear: perhaps a dog barking in the distance; the hum of a fridge; the ticking of a clock; the dripping of a tap; the laughter of children playing in the street. Notice the tone, the pitch, the volume. Note the quality of each of the three things you have selected to hear. How does each of them make you feel?
Shift your attention to identify TWO things you can smell: perhaps the scent of a passer-by; the coffee in your hand; freshly cut grass; nearby flowers; freshly baked bread. Notice the quality of each of the two things you are focusing on. What images do they conjure? How do they make you feel? 
Finally, identify ONE thing you can taste: perhaps it is toothpaste; your last cigarette; the residual taste of chocolate; the froth of an ice-cold beer. Note the quality of what you can taste. How does it make you feel? What images does it stir for you? 
