This month is often referred to as Movember; with many men razor-dodging and growing wacky and wonderful facial hair. While it seems frivolous in nature, Movember is a hugely successful campaign to raise awareness around men’s health. ‘Men not seeking help’ is a widely accepted stereotype: not going to the doctor, not asking for directions, not reading instruction manuals, not giving voice to their worries… Stoically carrying on until they just can’t do it anymore.
If fact, there is still quite a bit of stigma surrounding men seeking help, in any form. The Patriarchy can carry the burdens of the world, can it not?? No. No, it can’t. Nor should it.
In 2017, there were almost 400 suicides registered on our small island of Ireland, of which an overwhelming 80% were men.
Today is the first day of Movember, and the first day of the long, dark winter. The days may be dark, but the workings of your mind don’t have to be. I would like to invite men to reach out; to talk; to put down the generations-old expectations pressed upon them, and share the load.
If your health is your wealth, then your mental health is valuable beyond measure. Great courage is required to take that first step: whether it’s opening up to a trusted friend, or family member, your GP or mental health professional. But that conversation can be an absolute game-changer.
Love can mean so many different things to different people. Our
WAYS of showing love and high regard for each other can also vary greatly from
person to person.
Author, Gary Chapman, outlines his theories about love and successful relationships in his book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate (1992).
Chapman’s concept describes FIVE ways in which we express our love: quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, gifting and acts of service. He suggests that, while we may place value on all five, we have particular leanings towards different expressions based on our own values (either mimicking or opposing).
In early October 2019, I wrote a blog discussing the nature of disappointment ( https://sagecounselwaterford.com/2019/10/step-2-cutting-down-on-disappointment/ ). In it, I explore the possibility of reducing our disappointment by managing our expectations. I propose that our own values (in that case: time v’s appearance) determine how we showed and perceived respect, and by identifying the values of another, we may truly understand and appreciate their actions. The management of our expectations from another can result not only in reducing our disappointment but also in increasing our appreciation.
Chapman’s theory works to much the same effect: by understanding another’s Love Language, we can reduce our disappointment and increased our appreciation (feel more loved). With this new awareness, we also have the opportunity to ‘double-down’ by balancing how we express love with how our significant other expresses love. The end result is that our romantic efforts are fully received and appreciated.
Let’s look at working examples of these Five Languages of
Love:
Quality Time:
Create special moments
Plan thoughtful dates/ time together
Accomplish chores together
Have focused conversations
Set goals & achieve them together
Words of Affirmation
Use encouraging words
Give genuine compliments
Voice appreciation
Empathise
Listen without distractions
Physical Touch
Hug your partner
Hold hands
Make physical intimacy a priority
Kiss one another
Sit close to each other
Gifting
Give thoughtful gifts (big/small)
Show excitement when receiving
Make genuine gestures
Give small tokens of appreciation
Celebrate special occasions
Acts of Service
Assist with projects
Make their favourite meal
Random acts of kindness
Help with their workload
Thoughtful, personal care
Imagine that Sleeping Beauty (who grew up poor but much-loved)
is now doing quite well for herself and expresses her love by giving gifts.
However, Rapunzel (who grew up lonely but needing for nothing) values physical touch
and quality time. Sleeping Beauty is showing her love in her way, as is
Rapunzel. But Sleeping Beauty isn’t feeling very loved, and neither is Rapunzel
because of what boils down to a miscommunication. Their love is being lost in
translation. But with a little effort and attention, they each can make
adjustments, and reap the rewards.
Or perhaps Sneezy always felt loved when Snow White took care of him (acts of service), so that is how he himself shows love. Little Red Riding Hood grew up in a household with much the same ethos. These two are conditioned by their ‘family of origin’ to speak the same language.
Having different ways of expressing love does not at all suggest a poor love-match, simply that the road may be made much easier by learning a little more about what makes each other tick, and adapting to this increased awareness to communicate love more effectively.
This ‘trick’ is not restricted to romantic relationships but can also be applied among friends, work colleagues, and families:
A small child, who has no money of their own to speak of, brings home something they made at school for their mother for Mother’s Day. This is a true expression of love. The mother may well think to herself “Another one?? What’s this one meant to be?” and not fully appreciate the genuine, heartfelt gesture of love she has just been given.
Two friends swap Christmas gifts. One is a homemade knitted scarf, while the other is a beautiful, shop-bought bracelet. While both are gifts: one has time-value, while the second has monetary value. Unless the gifts were given according to the receiver’s love language, the giver may not see the degree of appreciation they were anticipating.
An employer ploughs time, energy and expense into the organisation of a Christmas Party, but cannot understand why his staff are so ungrateful. His staff are all overloaded with expenses at that time of year, already spend a large percentage of their waking hours together and possibly have many other commitments to squeeze into the festive season. The employer’s expression of appreciation is not attuned to the needs/wants of his staff. The following year the employer gives his staff gift vouchers, which cost him much the same as a party but saves his time and energy. The staff really appreciate the seasonal bonus and are thankful not to have to take limited quality time away from their own families and friends.
Love Languages are all about tuning into each other. It is not to suggest that you have to migrate to the other’s frequency, but that you are much more likely to pick up a station if you are aware that there are different bandwidths! If you are struggling to auto-tune, a counsellor can be of real help.
October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.
During the first 12 weeks of pregnancy, parents-to-be tend to keep their joyous news to themselves. This is the highest risk period with 1 in 4 pregnancies ending in loss. Having not initially shared the joyous news, it is common for parents to suffer their loss alone
Terrified parents attend a scan fearing the worst. Unfortunately, when that does happen, they leave the hospital feeling so many things they have likely never imagined: hollow, rage, devastation, bitterness, confusion, and the horribly cruel shame and guilt. This is a time when people desperately need support to work through their feelings and thoughts and move forward together
It is such a challenging time for a mother and father, who are both grieving in such different ways. Sage Counsel provides sessions to support either or both parents. I facilitate open and gentle communication and work with both perspectives of this lonely grief. I also help parents to work with anxiety and fear about future pregnancies. I strongly encourage fathers to engage in this support system.
Today is World Mental Health Day and the last of my 10-tip series. Today, I would like to encourage people to talk to each other. If you’re feeling low, anxious or under pressure. If you need to feel heard: Talk.
Human connections make us feel part of something. Without them, we feel alone, and we are NOT solitary creatures. We do not do well in isolation. So choose a person, whether a professional or just someone you get a good vibe from… and communicate.
Race, gender, age, orientation, economic or spiritual background… none of this matters. We are ALL just doing our best. Sometimes we need a little help, and when you find yourself in that place, reach out.
If you know what to look for, you may see invitations all around you: green ribbon badges, black dog badges, semi-colons ( ; ), a person speaking openly about their own mental health struggles… If you know what to look for you will be able to identify the people who are open and willing to listen; who are INVITING you to talk…
And if someone chooses YOU to talk to, please try to listen… without judgement. Listen without trying to work out what you’re going to say next. Listen without fear. Just give your attention.
We don’t have to fix each other. We don’t have to try to bear someone else’s burden. We don’t have to DO anything. Just BE there. BE present.
If you are in need of what I do, please get in touch.
Tomorrow is World Mental Health Day, so this is the penultimate tip of this series. The statement “It’s not all about YOU!” has a negative feel to it. It somehow suggests that we were assuming we were the centre of the world; that we are SO important that anything and everything, even if it has nothing to do with us, in fact, does… somehow. And we ARE important… we are so important in our OWN story, that it would not continue without us; everything relates to us; everything impacts us.
What we sometimes fail to recognise is that we are not key players in everyone’s stories… a select few, yes, but not everyone.
So while the statement “It’s not all about YOU!” can make us feel unimportant, it is merely a fact check; a reminder. FACT: It is not all about you. Interestingly, if viewed in a less emotional way, this statement has the power to free us.
I am not so essential in the lives of people in my extended circles, that I am the only one who can help improve their situation. I am simply not that important in their stories. I am neither a game changer nor a deal-breaker. I am one of many. This knowledge allows me to say “No”. It allows me to prioritise the people who’s lives I truly impact and who rightly impact mine. It allows me to reserve my energy and other resources for the essential key players in my life.
It frees me to be unconcerned with what others may think of me, because if it’s not all about me, then it’s not all about them either!! Their opinion neither makes nor breaks me because they are not essential in my life.
The statement “It’s not all about you” is a very close relative of “Not my circus. Not my monkeys.” It allows me to steer clear of drama that doesn’t involve me. It allows me to remain outside of someone else’s chaos. It allows me to listen, think “hmmm, that’s interesting”, and walk away without increasing the weight of the baggage I carry (See yesterday’s Tip 8: Let It Go!).
It means that if I am having a horribly anxious day and am really struggling to be out and about, I can continually remind myself that “It’s not all about me.”… and hopefully, I will quickly realise that everyone else is wrapped up in their own world, as I am in mine… each of us trying to manage our own demons. No one is staring. (If they ARE, do they matter to me?). No one knows what is going on with me at this moment and are probably too preoccupied with their own stuff to even wonder. So, with no focus on me whatsoever, I am free to continue on with my day.
So on days when you feel like we are being pulled in every imaginable direction, remember: It’s not all about you. Review the strings that are pulling you. Prioritise them. And cut the ones for which you are not absolutely essential. They will manage perfectly well and you can be present for those who mean the most to you – starting with yourself 🧡
If you like what I do, please Like, Follow and/or Share. If you are in NEED of what I do, please get in touch.
On the home straight now: Day 8 of 10. World Mental Health Day is in two days time so let’s give the next couple of days a decent crack of the whip. Today I am reflecting on how it benefits us all to ‘make like Elsa’ and let it go.
We all have baggage: It’s a natural part of life. None of us gets out of here with just our carry-on. We have a very human tendency to continue lugging around baggage that no longer serves us, that maybe NEVER served us, or that isn’t ours at all.
Let’s imagine you’re going on holidays and your flying with a budget airline (mentioning no names!) and you have a very limited baggage allowance, for which you have paid quite a bit… What are you going to pack? A pair of jeans that haven’t fit you in 10years? A top that never suited you? Clothes for someone else, who has a baggage allowance of their own? Unlikely. And yet why do we look at life so differently? We lug around so many unnecessary, unhelpful things: guilt, shame, embarrassment, anxiety, stress, painful memories, harmful history. We carry burdens that belong in someone else’s backpack.
Now, what if inside your backpack, there was also a gold nugget, small but so valuable: a precious memory, joy, love, an important lesson… If you have to go fishing through a backpack overloaded with stuff you just don’t need to find this little gold nugget, you may well miss it or lose it completely.
What if, instead, you were to take the time to unpack your backpack: lay everything out in front of you so you can decide, as objectively as possible, what to discard, return or keep? This takes time and effort and can be difficult. But the result is a lighter backpack, containing only things that are helpful, essential and YOURS. And in it, located and safely repacked is the gold nugget. Maybe, while sorting through your backpack, you found more than one!
This is life. We hoard. And because of this, we live uncomfortably: overcrowded, overwhelmed, and unable to find what we really need and want. So maybe it is worth considering a good clearout? Travel light. Travel smart. Free yourself.
Counselling provides a safe space where you can unpack, without judgement. Where you can sort through the contents of your life with objective support: a second set of eyes to help you find your gold nuggets.
If you like what I do, please Like, Follow and/or Share. If you are in need of what I do, please get in touch.
This is Part 7 of a 10-part series in the lead-up to World Mental Health Day (October 10); each part aiming to support and promote individual and collective mental wellbeing. Today, I would like to look at how owning our mistakes can empower us.
So often, when we do something that negatively impacts ourselves or others, we turn to the age-old strategy of ‘passing the buck’. It’s a behaviour that begins in childhood as a way of avoiding consequences or the disappointment of others and continues often into adulthood. We may try to justify our poor choices, excuse them away, share the burden of blame or sometimes we go for flat-out denial. We corner ourselves into committing to a story, for if I acknowledge that I made a poor choice (1), then I shifted the focus of responsibility away from myself (2) and then I convinced others of an untruth (3) – my one poor choice is quickly multiplying. If I reflect on this honestly, I will likely begin to feel somewhat ashamed of myself. So I buy my own story, to the point that I may even feel righteous, indignant and downright put out. And this pattern of behaviours repeats itself over and over until, eventually, how my life turns out is everyone else’s fault and I am left feeling bitter, resentful and powerless: a victim of other people’s actions.
So, while passing the buck may, on occasion, get us out of the hot seat, it can leave deep-rooted residual effects we scarcely even connect to the true source.
So what is the alternative? What would it be like to say “I made a mistake.”?… “My thought process looked like [this] and I acted like [this] and I regret it.”? “I didn’t think [that] through as well as I thought I had.”
What would it be like to own our mistakes before they ever snowball? To apologise? To regret? To learn and grow? To atone for it? There is immense power in this: the power to heal rather than cause further harm: to others and to ourselves.
In a time that seems like a lifetime ago, I was quite happy to lay the blame away from my own doorstep: “I did that because… [insert excuse]” A) …they told me to. B) …I was hanging around with the wrong crowd. C) …I was misinformed. D) …they deserved it. E) …they treated me badly.
While there may have been an element of truth in the reasons I might have given, by refusing to acknowledge that, ultimately, the choice was mine, I gave my own power away. My power to CHOOSE.
“We cannot choose how others behave towards us, but we can choose how we respond.” I have encountered so many variations of this statement; the sentiment is a powerful one.
‘Way back when’ (before this statement became a mantra for me) I gave my power away by refusing to take responsibility for my choices. I allowed myself to be a victim of circumstances and situations long after the fact. I don’t know what triggered it but one day I began to consider all that had “happened to me”. For whatever reason, I went a step further and reflected on my role in my own life – the part I played in my own misfortune. It was an epiphany. Within a few days, I had gone to considerable lengths to track down people I had wronged (whether or not they even knew it) and apologised unequivocally. Not “I was an a**hole to you because someone was an a**hole to me first.” but simply owning it: “I behaved poorly towards you and I am sorry. I am sorry for any hurt my behaviour caused you. I may not be able to fix that now, but I am learning from my mistakes and I will do my very best not to repeat them.”
And suddenly, I began to figure out who I was and who I wanted to be. I began to send as much good karma out into the world as possible. From that point onwards, whenever someone acted poorly towards me, I would counter it with calm, peace, curiosity… I stopped compounding the problem with further poor behaviour.
These days, I try to stay on top of my mistakes – to own as I go. I am human and try as I might, I am not perfect. I make mistakes. But I try to rectify them as close to the moment as possible so that the hurt or damage doesn’t have an opportunity to take hold.
But my life, whatever it is, is mine and mine alone – I take responsibility when owed and credit when due…and I allow no one else to define me. That’s a privilege reserved for me, and me alone.
If you like what I do, please Like, Follow and/or Share. If you are in NEED of what I do, please get in touch.
Today is Day 6 of a 10-day series aimed to promote mental wellbeing in the lead up to World Mental Health Day (October 10th).
The world has a population of roughly 7.5billion and not one of us is a duplicate of another. With seemingly infinite combinations of characteristics, appearances and experiences, I find myself drawn to what makes us unique.
It is certainly a lot easier, in this life, to fly under the radar: don’t stand out, don’t take risks, don’t stick your neck out because you might just lose your head. But, what if you take a risk/ stand out/ stick your neck out and experience something wonderful and unknown? What if you set your eyes upon other brave people doing the very same; like-minded or maybe gloriously different. All the great historical figures were people who took the greatest risk of all: to reveal themselves in all their authentic glory – to show the world what special something they had to offer.
I’m not suggesting that if we embrace our uniqueness, our quirks and special gifts that we will go down in history with the Einstein’s, Da Vinci’s, Shakespeare’s and Job’s… but a magnolia world would be guaranteed to be a whole lot more colourful.
While vanilla ice-cream certainly is widely appealing, with a significant fan base, if I see pretzel, beetroot or chilli ice-cream on offer I am absolutely going to be curious about them. They may not float my boat, but they WILL grab my attention and if I don’t try them I will likely wonder about them afterwards. After all, vanilla ice-cream is easy to come by but not everyone is brave enough to put beetroot, chilli or pretzel ice-cream on their menu. Some may not be able to take the risk to sample these flavours… and that’s ok. Those people are not destined for you. Of those who do try, there will probably be a majority who grimace and wonder “WHY?!?” But for the 10 people who dislike these adventurous flavours, there will be one whose tastebuds light up and who will love beetroot ice-cream in all its vivid glory… THOSE are the people meant for you. THOSE are the people who will love you for who you truly are, rather than for the vanilla we so often safely present to the world.
For if we hide our beetroot under a bushel and wear a vanilla mask, what we present to the world is not a true reflection of who we are inside. It can be a scary prospect to present yourself for ‘inspection’. But if we stick our necks out, we will see the other brave individuals who are doing the same. A community of adventurous, unusual, brave people all dancing to the beat of their own drum… all appreciating beetroot, even if it doesn’t entirely float their boat. All applauding the bravery it takes to be YOU as you truly are.
And in doing that, you may even come to love your inner beetroot, rather than plastering over it with generic vanilla, never truly feeling seen by the world You are unique, wonderful and beautiful… Be brave. Be seen 🧡
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World Mental Health Day, on October 10th, is intended to highlight the importance of maintaining good mental health. This is Part 5 in a 10-part series of tips to promote your mental wellbeing.
Is there one among us who has not been broken in some way or at some point in life? The odds are very low indeed. So with a global population of 7.5billion people, we can plausibly suggest that many billions of us have been broken or cracked along our journey through this thing called Life. Although we may have been broken, cracked or damaged, this does not mean we ARE broken, cracked or damaged.
The broken jug when fixed, if missing any little piece, will leak. This suggests that each tiny piece, however insignificant or unpleasant, makes a contribution to the complete product.
Consider a jigsaw: made from a collection of pieces which, individually make very little sense at all. But together, whether the pieces are black or nondescript, beautifully detailed or anything in between, a whole picture forms. The jigsaw is not represented by any single piece. But is the jigsaw complete if even one piece, however plain or ugly, is missing? In its place among all the other pieces, that one piece (so unpleasant on its own) plays a part in The Whole. If you lock away or deny a piece of you which causes you difficulty…? If you refuse to include it in your jigsaw, will it ever be truly complete?
You can learn from your broken pieces; grow from them, and hopefully, with time and commitment, you may make peace with them. We are forged in fire. We are made of stronger stuff: resilient and capable. There is a way to ensure your pieces no longer have the power to define you but instead allowing it to REFINE you.
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With World Mental Health Day approaching (October 10), I am publishing a series of tips to promote mental wellbeing in the individual.
Today’s focus is on the ability for one spark to start a fire. While we can read negatively into that image, let’s try not to; let’s look at the power of positivity instead.
One of my personal favourite concepts is the mantra that says “A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle”. How true that is. Does the flame of the original candle diminish? Quite the opposite – the world becomes doubly bright. The two candles light two more and now it is 400% brighter than it was in the first place. And so on and so forth: the light growing exponentially as it goes. That is the ideal I would like to promote today.
You may be wondering how this would be of benefit to you personally? Imagine sitting in darkness, a single flame. It’s a solitary place to be; disconnected; lonely and it’s so hard to see… and there you pass another who is without light. You reach out and make a connection; however small, however brief. Now before you stands a flame – both of you warmed by the existence of the other. You part ways, as individuals do, connecting with others and sharing your light as you go. The world suddenly feels an awful lot less hostile, less cold, less dark, less lonely.
Imagine the alternative: there you are, a lonely flame, wandering around, seeing so many unlit candles but keeping your distance. Maybe assuming they have the power to light their own flame? Maybe unsure they want your light? Maybe worried they might steal your light from you? Your light is YOURS: it is ALWAYS within you, even if it is burning low or barely a flicker.
Imagine if YOU are the unlit candle, seeing a flame pass you by, wishing just a little of their light and warmth would spread to you… And then the flame approaches and shares its glow. There you now stand, two flames burning bright in a world that can be dark and cruel: a moment shared, a precious connection made. How can two people not be changed by such a transaction?
So I say to you: Go! Spread your light. There is nothing to lose and so much to gain.
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