This is Part 7 of a 10-part series in the lead-up to World Mental Health Day (October 10); each part aiming to support and promote individual and collective mental wellbeing. Today, I would like to look at how owning our mistakes can empower us.
So often, when we do something that negatively impacts ourselves or others, we turn to the age-old strategy of ‘passing the buck’. It’s a behaviour that begins in childhood as a way of avoiding consequences or the disappointment of others and continues often into adulthood. We may try to justify our poor choices, excuse them away, share the burden of blame or sometimes we go for flat-out denial. We corner ourselves into committing to a story, for if I acknowledge that I made a poor choice (1), then I shifted the focus of responsibility away from myself (2) and then I convinced others of an untruth (3) – my one poor choice is quickly multiplying. If I reflect on this honestly, I will likely begin to feel somewhat ashamed of myself. So I buy my own story, to the point that I may even feel righteous, indignant and downright put out. And this pattern of behaviours repeats itself over and over until, eventually, how my life turns out is everyone else’s fault and I am left feeling bitter, resentful and powerless: a victim of other people’s actions.
So, while passing the buck may, on occasion, get us out of the hot seat, it can leave deep-rooted residual effects we scarcely even connect to the true source.
So what is the alternative? What would it be like to say “I made a mistake.”?… “My thought process looked like [this] and I acted like [this] and I regret it.”? “I didn’t think [that] through as well as I thought I had.”
What would it be like to own our mistakes before they ever snowball? To apologise? To regret? To learn and grow? To atone for it? There is immense power in this: the power to heal rather than cause further harm: to others and to ourselves.
In a time that seems like a lifetime ago, I was quite happy to lay the blame away from my own doorstep:
“I did that because… [insert excuse]”
A) …they told me to.
B) …I was hanging around with the wrong crowd.
C) …I was misinformed.
D) …they deserved it.
E) …they treated me badly.
While there may have been an element of truth in the reasons I might have given, by refusing to acknowledge that, ultimately, the choice was mine, I gave my own power away. My power to CHOOSE.
“We cannot choose how others behave towards us, but we can choose how we respond.” I have encountered so many variations of this statement; the sentiment is a powerful one.
‘Way back when’ (before this statement became a mantra for me) I gave my power away by refusing to take responsibility for my choices. I allowed myself to be a victim of circumstances and situations long after the fact. I don’t know what triggered it but one day I began to consider all that had “happened to me”. For whatever reason, I went a step further and reflected on my role in my own life – the part I played in my own misfortune. It was an epiphany. Within a few days, I had gone to considerable lengths to track down people I had wronged (whether or not they even knew it) and apologised unequivocally. Not “I was an a**hole to you because someone was an a**hole to me first.” but simply owning it: “I behaved poorly towards you and I am sorry. I am sorry for any hurt my behaviour caused you. I may not be able to fix that now, but I am learning from my mistakes and I will do my very best not to repeat them.”
And suddenly, I began to figure out who I was and who I wanted to be. I began to send as much good karma out into the world as possible. From that point onwards, whenever someone acted poorly towards me, I would counter it with calm, peace, curiosity… I stopped compounding the problem with further poor behaviour.
These days, I try to stay on top of my mistakes – to own as I go. I am human and try as I might, I am not perfect. I make mistakes. But I try to rectify them as close to the moment as possible so that the hurt or damage doesn’t have an opportunity to take hold.
But my life, whatever it is, is mine and mine alone – I take responsibility when owed and credit when due…and I allow no one else to define me. That’s a privilege reserved for me, and me alone.
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