This month is often referred to as Movember; with many men razor-dodging and growing wacky and wonderful facial hair. While it seems frivolous in nature, Movember is a hugely successful campaign to raise awareness around men’s health. ‘Men not seeking help’ is a widely accepted stereotype: not going to the doctor, not asking for directions, not reading instruction manuals, not giving voice to their worries… Stoically carrying on until they just can’t do it anymore.
If fact, there is still quite a bit of stigma surrounding men seeking help, in any form. The Patriarchy can carry the burdens of the world, can it not?? No. No, it can’t. Nor should it.
In 2017, there were almost 400 suicides registered on our small island of Ireland, of which an overwhelming 80% were men.
Today is the first day of Movember, and the first day of the long, dark winter. The days may be dark, but the workings of your mind don’t have to be. I would like to invite men to reach out; to talk; to put down the generations-old expectations pressed upon them, and share the load.
If your health is your wealth, then your mental health is valuable beyond measure. Great courage is required to take that first step: whether it’s opening up to a trusted friend, or family member, your GP or mental health professional. But that conversation can be an absolute game-changer.
Love can mean so many different things to different people. Our
WAYS of showing love and high regard for each other can also vary greatly from
person to person.
Author, Gary Chapman, outlines his theories about love and successful relationships in his book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate (1992).
Chapman’s concept describes FIVE ways in which we express our love: quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, gifting and acts of service. He suggests that, while we may place value on all five, we have particular leanings towards different expressions based on our own values (either mimicking or opposing).
In early October 2019, I wrote a blog discussing the nature of disappointment ( https://sagecounselwaterford.com/2019/10/step-2-cutting-down-on-disappointment/ ). In it, I explore the possibility of reducing our disappointment by managing our expectations. I propose that our own values (in that case: time v’s appearance) determine how we showed and perceived respect, and by identifying the values of another, we may truly understand and appreciate their actions. The management of our expectations from another can result not only in reducing our disappointment but also in increasing our appreciation.
Chapman’s theory works to much the same effect: by understanding another’s Love Language, we can reduce our disappointment and increased our appreciation (feel more loved). With this new awareness, we also have the opportunity to ‘double-down’ by balancing how we express love with how our significant other expresses love. The end result is that our romantic efforts are fully received and appreciated.
Let’s look at working examples of these Five Languages of
Love:
Quality Time:
Create special moments
Plan thoughtful dates/ time together
Accomplish chores together
Have focused conversations
Set goals & achieve them together
Words of Affirmation
Use encouraging words
Give genuine compliments
Voice appreciation
Empathise
Listen without distractions
Physical Touch
Hug your partner
Hold hands
Make physical intimacy a priority
Kiss one another
Sit close to each other
Gifting
Give thoughtful gifts (big/small)
Show excitement when receiving
Make genuine gestures
Give small tokens of appreciation
Celebrate special occasions
Acts of Service
Assist with projects
Make their favourite meal
Random acts of kindness
Help with their workload
Thoughtful, personal care
Imagine that Sleeping Beauty (who grew up poor but much-loved)
is now doing quite well for herself and expresses her love by giving gifts.
However, Rapunzel (who grew up lonely but needing for nothing) values physical touch
and quality time. Sleeping Beauty is showing her love in her way, as is
Rapunzel. But Sleeping Beauty isn’t feeling very loved, and neither is Rapunzel
because of what boils down to a miscommunication. Their love is being lost in
translation. But with a little effort and attention, they each can make
adjustments, and reap the rewards.
Or perhaps Sneezy always felt loved when Snow White took care of him (acts of service), so that is how he himself shows love. Little Red Riding Hood grew up in a household with much the same ethos. These two are conditioned by their ‘family of origin’ to speak the same language.
Having different ways of expressing love does not at all suggest a poor love-match, simply that the road may be made much easier by learning a little more about what makes each other tick, and adapting to this increased awareness to communicate love more effectively.
This ‘trick’ is not restricted to romantic relationships but can also be applied among friends, work colleagues, and families:
A small child, who has no money of their own to speak of, brings home something they made at school for their mother for Mother’s Day. This is a true expression of love. The mother may well think to herself “Another one?? What’s this one meant to be?” and not fully appreciate the genuine, heartfelt gesture of love she has just been given.
Two friends swap Christmas gifts. One is a homemade knitted scarf, while the other is a beautiful, shop-bought bracelet. While both are gifts: one has time-value, while the second has monetary value. Unless the gifts were given according to the receiver’s love language, the giver may not see the degree of appreciation they were anticipating.
An employer ploughs time, energy and expense into the organisation of a Christmas Party, but cannot understand why his staff are so ungrateful. His staff are all overloaded with expenses at that time of year, already spend a large percentage of their waking hours together and possibly have many other commitments to squeeze into the festive season. The employer’s expression of appreciation is not attuned to the needs/wants of his staff. The following year the employer gives his staff gift vouchers, which cost him much the same as a party but saves his time and energy. The staff really appreciate the seasonal bonus and are thankful not to have to take limited quality time away from their own families and friends.
Love Languages are all about tuning into each other. It is not to suggest that you have to migrate to the other’s frequency, but that you are much more likely to pick up a station if you are aware that there are different bandwidths! If you are struggling to auto-tune, a counsellor can be of real help.
