Author: sagecounsel

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National Brownie Day – 08th December

Something a little lighter today, but equally a very helpful practice to engage in:
Mindful eating.

Life is busy. The ability to multi-task well comes with automatic bragging rights. So, more often than not I eat on the go/ at the desk while I’m working/ at the kitchen counter while I’m getting other jobs done… When this happens, what could have been an eating experience becomes yet another task to be completed. I take no joy in the food, no matter what it is. I often don’t hear my body’s cues to tell me it’s full because I’m distracted. I shovel it on in there, barely tasting it. I could be eating brussel sprouts or a brownie – I take no time to notice the texture or to savour the flavour. What’s the point in that? Where is the enjoyment?

So today, on National Brownie Day, I challenge you to pause. Sit back. Focus entirely on your brownie. Inhale the aroma of that little square of bliss. Take a slow, deliberate bite. Feel the texture: the moist crumbly inside and the chewy outside. Appreciate the rich, deep, chocolatey flavour. Leave the bite sit on your tongue for a moment. When you have absorbed the whole sensory feast, swallow that single bite. Repeat, slowly and send your gratitude out into the universe to whatever clever soul figured out how to make brownies.

This is the sensual experience of mindful eating… Wouldn’t it be something to do that a little more often?

But Shhhhh!! Don’t let the kids catch you!!

Contact Sage Counsel: 086-8539718 sagecounsel@outlook.com

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Domestic Abuse on the Increase – Ain’t That a Kick in the Head!

Since the initial Covid-19 lockdown in March 2020, authorities and support services have noted a surge in reports of domestic violence, with the Women’s Aid 24-hour national freephone helpline receiving 1,000 calls ABOVE the norm EACH MONTH.

Movements restricted. Social and community supports greatly restricted. Isolation from friends and family. Working from home or furloughed from work, with the associated financial pressures. Avenues which provide temporary relief have been cut off, turning our homes into veritable pressure-cookers. Time losing all meaning. A national spike in alcohol sales and consumption. Boredom combined with intensive (and forced) time spent with our immediate households and ONLY our immediate households.

Fear outside the home… and, for some, fear INSIDE the home too.

Humans are community-oriented by nature – we are not designed to live the way we have been since March 13th, 2020. But this was not the beginning of our social isolation. Communities have been becoming less “one for all and all for one” and more “every person for themselves” for at least a generation now. Neighbours are no longer like extended family. Children are no longer raised by the community: receiving a solid scolding from a neighbour as readily as we would have from our own parents. We have become strangers to each other, with a brief nod at a safe distance (which is often avoided if at all possible) replacing an easy natter across the front wall. The “valley of the squinting windows” (as my mother used to describe the street where she grew up) now turns a blind eye. We mind our own business. We keep to ourselves.

But there has ALWAYS been domestic violence, so what has changed?

In by-gone generations, neighbours may have refrained from interfering in each other’s domestic matters, but a woman could (and would) show up at her neighbour’s door to be cleaned up and soothed. They may have returned home, but there is some small comfort in being ‘seen’ and receiving support, albeit silent: wives catching each other’s eye across the washing line; a compassionate (if terse) smile; an unspoken kinship.

Isn’t the societal ideal to improve on the legacy we have been handed? But, regarding domestic violence, we seem to have taken a step away. Physical, emotional and sexual abuse. Financial and material abuse. Women and men being abused by their partners. Parents being abused by their children. Abandoned to terror and enslaved by shame. Stigma is the enemy to progress.

Safety in numbers: Sardines shoal together; birds and sheep flock… because they know stragglers get easily picked off by predators. Perhaps we need to learn from the natural world. Perhaps the vulnerable amongst us would benefit from ‘pack protection’.

So, I encourage you all to reach out (a socially distanced kind of reaching out!) in your community. Smile at passers-by on a walk. Lift your head out of your phone and make eye-contact. Make friends of neighbours. Build a village around yourself. Open yourself up to invitations to connect with others. Wherever possible, be without judgement – for none of us truly knows what another is experiencing at any given time. We know neither the path they have walked, the path they are walking, nor the load they are carrying. And if we all keep watch over our little corner of the world, we can surely help to make it a safer place for all.

If you are living with domestic violence, this is a non-traceable way to signal for help

If you are a woman living with domestic abuse or concerned about a woman living with domestic abuse, Women’s Aid offer a 24-hour freephone national helpline on 1800 341 900.

If you are a man living with domestic abuse or concerned about a man living with domestic abuse, AnyMan offer advice and support at (01) 554 3811 (9am to 5pm Monday – Friday). The Men’s Development Network’s Male Advice Line is also available on freephone 1800 816 588 (10am to 6pm Monday and Wednesday, 12pm to 8pm Tuesday and Thursday and 2pm to 6pm on a Friday).

If you are at immediate risk, please contact the Gardai on their emergency number 999.

Contact Sage Counsel: 086-8539718 sagecounsel@outlook.com

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Anti-Bullying Week (16-20 November)

When we hear the word “bully”, we quite often picture children in a schoolyard, but in reality, the image is far more complex.

Bullying is when someone repeatedly and intentionally does something to someone else that is hurtful; characterised by an imbalance in power. Bullying falls under FOUR headings: Physical, Verbal, Emotional and Cyber.

Physical Bullying: shoving, hitting, tripping, kicking, physical intimidation, aggression, physical abuse, damaging/’misplacing’ another’s property, inappropriate sexual advances or abuse.

Verbal Bullying: name-calling, threatening, passing rude or inappropriate comments or writing hurtful comments, slander, vilification, conspiring, recruiting, sexual references.

Emotional Bullying: exclusion, spreading rumours, manipulation, control, humiliation, causing damage to reputation or relationships.

Cyber Bullying: (via text, social media etc) posting inappropriate photos, sending mean messages, threatening messages, creating a fake account, continued trolling etc

Bullying can happen at any age, in any environment. Cyber-bullying is particularly relentless, with its 24/7 access to a person, even in their own home. While there are endless resources available to help a person to safeguard themselves, it is important to acknowledge the lasting trauma of being bullied.

Studies have shown that people who have experienced bullying are more likely to have depression and anxiety in adulthood, higher stress levels, worse health and less workplace success, poor self-esteem, trust issues and notably higher incidences of self-harm (Harding, 2015). People who have been bullied have described feelings of shame, guilt and failure for being unable to protect themselves adequately.

With such an extensive list of effects, it makes sense that a person who has experienced bullying would benefit from working with a counsellor. Time is very well spent working through these challenges with a professional who is highly trained to process information received through spoken and unspoken words, body language and other visual means of communication. A therapist is non-judgemental and accepting of the client however and wherever they are in their life… and this can be a huge relief to someone who may be holding deep-seated (sometimes subconscious) feelings of guilt, shame, inadequacy and failure. A good therapist is well-grounded, open, honest and bound by the highest ethical standards of confidentiality; a combination of characteristics which should foster ease and trust in the therapeutic alliance. The right therapist will help the client to discover new perspectives, explore new possibilities and bravely venture into a brighter future; free from carrying the baggage marked “I was bullied…”.

Contact Sage Counsel: 086-8539718 sagecounsel@outlook.com

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International Stress Awareness Day (4th Nov)

November 4th is International Stress Awareness Day, but how aware are you of your own stress levels?

The symptoms of stress vary from person to person but among the most common are:
• Trouble Concentrating
• Headaches
• Anxiety
• Anger
• Stomach Problems
• Fatigue
• Decreased Sex Drive
• Skin Irritations
• Muscle Tension
• Teeth Grinding
• Apathy/Motivation Loss
• Irritability
• Sleep Disturbance
• Affected Appetite
• Frequent Minor Illnesses
• Misuse of caffeine, alcohol, drugs or tobacco.

If you find yourself recognising a number of these, it might be experiencing a highly stressed state.
So what now? Well, there a number of simple (but proven) ways of reducing stress levels.
• Get Creative – draw, paint, craft, write… whatever floats your boat and makes you feel good.
• Stick on some tunes – whether you play an instrument or choose an upbeat or chilled out playlist – music feeds the soul.
• Activate – go for a walk, to the gym, for a swim, or hit the mats for some yoga or pilates… exercise releases endorphins, which lower stress levels and lowers cortisol levels, which contribute to stress and anxiety.
• Quiet Time – meditate or read to slow the world down and bring you into the moment.
• Detox your life – technology, food, drinks… our body and mind feel the effects of too much of a not so good thing.
• Get organised – start using a planner, clear out your living space, prep the night before. A clear picture of what lies ahead can make the world a whole lot less overwhelming.
• Family and friends – time spent relaxing with family, friends, and pets brings back some balance and helps us reconnect in times of high pressure.
• Great Outdoors – Fresh air clears away the cobwebs and can bring a great perspective.
• Just Talk – an open conversation can bring new insights and help us to share the load. Whether it is a friend, family member or mental health professional, exploring the source of your stress and your options can be a huge relief.

While Covid restrictions may limit the availability of some of these resources, most can be access online: exercise classes and mindfulness practices, videocalling friends and family, sessions with your therapist.

“I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread.”

Bilbo Baggins, Fellowship of The Ring

If these words hit home for you, there is support available to help you access more butter, or maybe use less bread…

Contact Sage Counsel: 086-8539718 sagecounsel@outlook.com

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Calling All Men!!

This month is often referred to as Movember; with many men razor-dodging and growing wacky and wonderful facial hair. While it seems frivolous in nature, Movember is a hugely successful campaign to raise awareness around men’s health.
‘Men not seeking help’ is a widely accepted stereotype: not going to the doctor, not asking for directions, not reading instruction manuals, not giving voice to their worries… Stoically carrying on until they just can’t do it anymore.

If fact, there is still quite a bit of stigma surrounding men seeking help, in any form.
The Patriarchy can carry the burdens of the world, can it not??
No. No, it can’t. Nor should it.

In 2017, there were almost 400 suicides registered on our small island of Ireland, of which an overwhelming 80% were men.

Today is the first day of Movember, and the first day of the long, dark winter. The days may be dark, but the workings of your mind don’t have to be. I would like to invite men to reach out; to talk; to put down the generations-old expectations pressed upon them, and share the load.

If your health is your wealth, then your mental health is valuable beyond measure. Great courage is required to take that first step: whether it’s opening up to a trusted friend, or family member, your GP or mental health professional. But that conversation can be an absolute game-changer.

Contact Sage Counsel: 086-8539718 sagecounsel@outlook.com

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Love Lost in Translation

Love can mean so many different things to different people. Our WAYS of showing love and high regard for each other can also vary greatly from person to person.

Author, Gary Chapman, outlines his theories about love and successful relationships in his book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate (1992).

Chapman’s concept describes FIVE ways in which we express our love: quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, gifting and acts of service.  He suggests that, while we may place value on all five, we have particular leanings towards different expressions based on our own values (either mimicking or opposing).

In early October 2019, I wrote a blog discussing the nature of disappointment ( https://sagecounselwaterford.com/2019/10/step-2-cutting-down-on-disappointment/ ). In it, I explore the possibility of reducing our disappointment by managing our expectations.  I propose that our own values (in that case: time v’s appearance) determine how we showed and perceived respect, and by identifying the values of another, we may truly understand and appreciate their actions. The management of our expectations from another can result not only in reducing our disappointment but also in increasing our appreciation.

Chapman’s theory works to much the same effect: by understanding another’s Love Language, we can reduce our disappointment and increased our appreciation (feel more loved). With this new awareness, we also have the opportunity to ‘double-down’ by balancing how we express love with how our significant other expresses love. The end result is that our romantic efforts are fully received and appreciated.

Let’s look at working examples of these Five Languages of Love:

Quality Time:

  • Create special moments
  • Plan thoughtful dates/ time together
  • Accomplish chores together
  • Have focused conversations
  • Set goals & achieve them together

Words of Affirmation

  • Use encouraging words
  • Give genuine compliments
  • Voice appreciation
  • Empathise
  • Listen without distractions

Physical Touch

  • Hug your partner
  • Hold hands
  • Make physical intimacy a priority
  • Kiss one another
  • Sit close to each other

Gifting

  • Give thoughtful gifts (big/small)
  • Show excitement when receiving
  • Make genuine gestures
  • Give small tokens of appreciation
  • Celebrate special occasions

Acts of Service

  • Assist with projects
  • Make their favourite meal
  • Random acts of kindness
  • Help with their workload
  • Thoughtful, personal care

Imagine that Sleeping Beauty (who grew up poor but much-loved) is now doing quite well for herself and expresses her love by giving gifts. However, Rapunzel (who grew up lonely but needing for nothing) values physical touch and quality time. Sleeping Beauty is showing her love in her way, as is Rapunzel. But Sleeping Beauty isn’t feeling very loved, and neither is Rapunzel because of what boils down to a miscommunication. Their love is being lost in translation. But with a little effort and attention, they each can make adjustments, and reap the rewards.

Or perhaps Sneezy always felt loved when Snow White took care of him (acts of service), so that is how he himself shows love. Little Red Riding Hood grew up in a household with much the same ethos. These two are conditioned by their ‘family of origin’ to speak the same language. 

Having different ways of expressing love does not at all suggest a poor love-match, simply that the road may be made much easier by learning a little more about what makes each other tick, and adapting to this increased awareness to communicate love more effectively.

This ‘trick’ is not restricted to romantic relationships but can also be applied among friends, work colleagues, and families:

  • A small child, who has no money of their own to speak of, brings home something they made at school for their mother for Mother’s Day. This is a true expression of love.  The mother may well think to herself “Another one?? What’s this one meant to be?” and not fully appreciate the genuine, heartfelt gesture of love she has just been given.
  • Two friends swap Christmas gifts. One is a homemade knitted scarf, while the other is a beautiful, shop-bought bracelet. While both are gifts: one has time-value, while the second has monetary value.  Unless the gifts were given according to the receiver’s love language, the giver may not see the degree of appreciation they were anticipating.
  • An employer ploughs time, energy and expense into the organisation of a Christmas Party, but cannot understand why his staff are so ungrateful. His staff are all overloaded with expenses at that time of year, already spend a large percentage of their waking hours together and possibly have many other commitments to squeeze into the festive season. The employer’s expression of appreciation is not attuned to the needs/wants of his staff. The following year the employer gives his staff gift vouchers, which cost him much the same as a party but saves his time and energy. The staff really appreciate the seasonal bonus and are thankful not to have to take limited quality time away from their own families and friends.

Love Languages are all about tuning into each other. It is not to suggest that you have to migrate to the other’s frequency, but that you are much more likely to pick up a station if you are aware that there are different bandwidths! If you are struggling to auto-tune, a counsellor can be of real help.

Contact Sage Counsel: 086-8539718 sagecounsel@outlook.com

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Pregnancy and Infant Loss

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

During the first 12 weeks of pregnancy, parents-to-be tend to keep their joyous news to themselves. This is the highest risk period with 1 in 4 pregnancies ending in loss. Having not initially shared the joyous news, it is common for parents to suffer their loss alone

Terrified parents attend a scan fearing the worst. Unfortunately, when that does happen, they leave the hospital feeling so many things they have likely never imagined: hollow, rage, devastation, bitterness, confusion, and the horribly cruel shame and guilt. This is a time when people desperately need support to work through their feelings and thoughts and move forward together

It is such a challenging time for a mother and father, who are both grieving in such different ways. Sage Counsel provides sessions to support either or both parents. I facilitate open and gentle communication and work with both perspectives of this lonely grief. I also help parents to work with anxiety and fear about future pregnancies. I strongly encourage fathers to engage in this support system.

Contact Sage Counsel: 086-8539718 sagecounsel@outlook.com

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Tip 10: Talk

Today is World Mental Health Day and the last of my 10-tip series.
Today, I would like to encourage people to talk to each other. If you’re feeling low, anxious or under pressure. If you need to feel heard: Talk.

Human connections make us feel part of something. Without them, we feel alone, and we are NOT solitary creatures. We do not do well in isolation. So choose a person, whether a professional or just someone you get a good vibe from… and communicate.

Race, gender, age, orientation, economic or spiritual background… none of this matters. We are ALL just doing our best. Sometimes we need a little help, and when you find yourself in that place, reach out.

If you know what to look for, you may see invitations all around you: green ribbon badges, black dog badges, semi-colons ( ; ), a person speaking openly about their own mental health struggles… If you know what to look for you will be able to identify the people who are open and willing to listen; who are INVITING you to talk…

And if someone chooses YOU to talk to, please try to listen… without judgement. Listen without trying to work out what you’re going to say next. Listen without fear. Just give your attention.

We don’t have to fix each other. We don’t have to try to bear someone else’s burden. We don’t have to DO anything. Just BE there. BE present.

If you are in need of what I do, please get in touch.

Contact Sage Counsel: 086-8539718 sagecounsel@outlook.com

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Tip 9: It’s Not All About YOU

Tomorrow is World Mental Health Day, so this is the penultimate tip of this series.
The statement “It’s not all about YOU!” has a negative feel to it. It somehow suggests that we were assuming we were the centre of the world; that we are SO important that anything and everything, even if it has nothing to do with us, in fact, does… somehow. And we ARE important… we are so important in our OWN story, that it would not continue without us; everything relates to us; everything impacts us.

What we sometimes fail to recognise is that we are not key players in everyone’s stories… a select few, yes, but not everyone.

So while the statement “It’s not all about YOU!” can make us feel unimportant, it is merely a fact check; a reminder.
FACT: It is not all about you.
Interestingly, if viewed in a less emotional way, this statement has the power to free us.

I am not so essential in the lives of people in my extended circles, that I am the only one who can help improve their situation. I am simply not that important in their stories. I am neither a game changer nor a deal-breaker. I am one of many. This knowledge allows me to say “No”. It allows me to prioritise the people who’s lives I truly impact and who rightly impact mine. It allows me to reserve my energy and other resources for the essential key players in my life.

It frees me to be unconcerned with what others may think of me, because if it’s not all about me, then it’s not all about them either!! Their opinion neither makes nor breaks me because they are not essential in my life.

The statement “It’s not all about you” is a very close relative of “Not my circus. Not my monkeys.” It allows me to steer clear of drama that doesn’t involve me. It allows me to remain outside of someone else’s chaos. It allows me to listen, think “hmmm, that’s interesting”, and walk away without increasing the weight of the baggage I carry (See yesterday’s Tip 8: Let It Go!).

It means that if I am having a horribly anxious day and am really struggling to be out and about, I can continually remind myself that “It’s not all about me.”… and hopefully, I will quickly realise that everyone else is wrapped up in their own world, as I am in mine… each of us trying to manage our own demons. No one is staring. (If they ARE, do they matter to me?). No one knows what is going on with me at this moment and are probably too preoccupied with their own stuff to even wonder. So, with no focus on me whatsoever, I am free to continue on with my day.

So on days when you feel like we are being pulled in every imaginable direction, remember: It’s not all about you. Review the strings that are pulling you. Prioritise them. And cut the ones for which you are not absolutely essential. They will manage perfectly well and you can be present for those who mean the most to you – starting with yourself 🧡

If you like what I do, please Like, Follow and/or Share.
If you are in NEED of what I do, please get in touch.

Contact Sage Counsel: 086-8539718 sagecounsel@outlook.com

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Tip 8: Let It Go

On the home straight now: Day 8 of 10. World Mental Health Day is in two days time so let’s give the next couple of days a decent crack of the whip. Today I am reflecting on how it benefits us all to ‘make like Elsa’ and let it go.

We all have baggage: It’s a natural part of life. None of us gets out of here with just our carry-on. We have a very human tendency to continue lugging around baggage that no longer serves us, that maybe NEVER served us, or that isn’t ours at all.

Let’s imagine you’re going on holidays and your flying with a budget airline (mentioning no names!) and you have a very limited baggage allowance, for which you have paid quite a bit… What are you going to pack? A pair of jeans that haven’t fit you in 10years? A top that never suited you? Clothes for someone else, who has a baggage allowance of their own? Unlikely. And yet why do we look at life so differently? We lug around so many unnecessary, unhelpful things: guilt, shame, embarrassment, anxiety, stress, painful memories, harmful history. We carry burdens that belong in someone else’s backpack.

Now, what if inside your backpack, there was also a gold nugget, small but so valuable: a precious memory, joy, love, an important lesson… If you have to go fishing through a backpack overloaded with stuff you just don’t need to find this little gold nugget, you may well miss it or lose it completely.

What if, instead, you were to take the time to unpack your backpack: lay everything out in front of you so you can decide, as objectively as possible, what to discard, return or keep? This takes time and effort and can be difficult. But the result is a lighter backpack, containing only things that are helpful, essential and YOURS. And in it, located and safely repacked is the gold nugget. Maybe, while sorting through your backpack, you found more than one!

This is life. We hoard. And because of this, we live uncomfortably: overcrowded, overwhelmed, and unable to find what we really need and want. So maybe it is worth considering a good clearout? Travel light. Travel smart. Free yourself.

Counselling provides a safe space where you can unpack, without judgement. Where you can sort through the contents of your life with objective support: a second set of eyes to help you find your gold nuggets.

If you like what I do, please Like, Follow and/or Share. If you are in need of what I do, please get in touch.

Contact Sage Counsel: 086-8539718 sagecounsel@outlook.com

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