Sage Counsel Blog

This is Part 7 of a 10-part series in the lead-up to World Mental Health Day (October 10); each part aiming to support and promote individual and collective mental wellbeing. Today, I would like to look at how owning our mistakes can empower us.

So often, when we do something that negatively impacts ourselves or others, we turn to the age-old strategy of ‘passing the buck’. It’s a behaviour that begins in childhood as a way of avoiding consequences or the disappointment of others and continues often into adulthood. We may try to justify our poor choices, excuse them away, share the burden of blame or sometimes we go for flat-out denial. We corner ourselves into committing to a story, for if I acknowledge that I made a poor choice (1), then I shifted the focus of responsibility away from myself (2) and then I convinced others of an untruth (3) – my one poor choice is quickly multiplying. If I reflect on this honestly, I will likely begin to feel somewhat ashamed of myself. So I buy my own story, to the point that I may even feel righteous, indignant and downright put out. And this pattern of behaviours repeats itself over and over until, eventually, how my life turns out is everyone else’s fault and I am left feeling bitter, resentful and powerless: a victim of other people’s actions.

So, while passing the buck may, on occasion, get us out of the hot seat, it can leave deep-rooted residual effects we scarcely even connect to the true source.

So what is the alternative? What would it be like to say “I made a mistake.”?… “My thought process looked like [this] and I acted like [this] and I regret it.”? “I didn’t think [that] through as well as I thought I had.”

What would it be like to own our mistakes before they ever snowball? To apologise? To regret? To learn and grow? To atone for it? There is immense power in this: the power to heal rather than cause further harm: to others and to ourselves.

In a time that seems like a lifetime ago, I was quite happy to lay the blame away from my own doorstep:
“I did that because… [insert excuse]”
A) …they told me to.
B) …I was hanging around with the wrong crowd.
C) …I was misinformed.
D) …they deserved it.
E) …they treated me badly.

While there may have been an element of truth in the reasons I might have given, by refusing to acknowledge that, ultimately, the choice was mine, I gave my own power away. My power to CHOOSE.

“We cannot choose how others behave towards us, but we can choose how we respond.” I have encountered so many variations of this statement; the sentiment is a powerful one.

‘Way back when’ (before this statement became a mantra for me) I gave my power away by refusing to take responsibility for my choices. I allowed myself to be a victim of circumstances and situations long after the fact. I don’t know what triggered it but one day I began to consider all that had “happened to me”. For whatever reason, I went a step further and reflected on my role in my own life – the part I played in my own misfortune. It was an epiphany. Within a few days, I had gone to considerable lengths to track down people I had wronged (whether or not they even knew it) and apologised unequivocally. Not “I was an a**hole to you because someone was an a**hole to me first.” but simply owning it: “I behaved poorly towards you and I am sorry. I am sorry for any hurt my behaviour caused you. I may not be able to fix that now, but I am learning from my mistakes and I will do my very best not to repeat them.”

And suddenly, I began to figure out who I was and who I wanted to be. I began to send as much good karma out into the world as possible. From that point onwards, whenever someone acted poorly towards me, I would counter it with calm, peace, curiosity… I stopped compounding the problem with further poor behaviour.

These days, I try to stay on top of my mistakes – to own as I go. I am human and try as I might, I am not perfect. I make mistakes. But I try to rectify them as close to the moment as possible so that the hurt or damage doesn’t have an opportunity to take hold.

But my life, whatever it is, is mine and mine alone – I take responsibility when owed and credit when due…and I allow no one else to define me. That’s a privilege reserved for me, and me alone.

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Contact Sage Counsel: 086-8539718 sagecounsel@outlook.com

Today is Day 6 of a 10-day series aimed to promote mental wellbeing in the lead up to World Mental Health Day (October 10th).

The world has a population of roughly 7.5billion and not one of us is a duplicate of another. With seemingly infinite combinations of characteristics, appearances and experiences, I find myself drawn to what makes us unique.

It is certainly a lot easier, in this life, to fly under the radar: don’t stand out, don’t take risks, don’t stick your neck out because you might just lose your head. But, what if you take a risk/ stand out/ stick your neck out and experience something wonderful and unknown? What if you set your eyes upon other brave people doing the very same; like-minded or maybe gloriously different. All the great historical figures were people who took the greatest risk of all: to reveal themselves in all their authentic glory – to show the world what special something they had to offer.

I’m not suggesting that if we embrace our uniqueness, our quirks and special gifts that we will go down in history with the Einstein’s, Da Vinci’s, Shakespeare’s and Job’s… but a magnolia world would be guaranteed to be a whole lot more colourful.

While vanilla ice-cream certainly is widely appealing, with a significant fan base, if I see pretzel, beetroot or chilli ice-cream on offer I am absolutely going to be curious about them. They may not float my boat, but they WILL grab my attention and if I don’t try them I will likely wonder about them afterwards. After all, vanilla ice-cream is easy to come by but not everyone is brave enough to put beetroot, chilli or pretzel ice-cream on their menu. Some may not be able to take the risk to sample these flavours… and that’s ok. Those people are not destined for you. Of those who do try, there will probably be a majority who grimace and wonder “WHY?!?” But for the 10 people who dislike these adventurous flavours, there will be one whose tastebuds light up and who will love beetroot ice-cream in all its vivid glory… THOSE are the people meant for you. THOSE are the people who will love you for who you truly are, rather than for the vanilla we so often safely present to the world.

For if we hide our beetroot under a bushel and wear a vanilla mask, what we present to the world is not a true reflection of who we are inside. It can be a scary prospect to present yourself for ‘inspection’. But if we stick our necks out, we will see the other brave individuals who are doing the same. A community of adventurous, unusual, brave people all dancing to the beat of their own drum… all appreciating beetroot, even if it doesn’t entirely float their boat. All applauding the bravery it takes to be YOU as you truly are.

And in doing that, you may even come to love your inner beetroot, rather than plastering over it with generic vanilla, never truly feeling seen by the world
You are unique, wonderful and beautiful… Be brave. Be seen 🧡

If you like what I do, please Like, Follow and/or Share.
If you have NEED of what I do, please get in touch.

Contact Sage Counsel: 086-8539718 sagecounsel@outlook.com

World Mental Health Day, on October 10th, is intended to highlight the importance of maintaining good mental health. This is Part 5 in a 10-part series of tips to promote your mental wellbeing.

Is there one among us who has not been broken in some way or at some point in life? The odds are very low indeed. So with a global population of 7.5billion people, we can plausibly suggest that many billions of us have been broken or cracked along our journey through this thing called Life. Although we may have been broken, cracked or damaged, this does not mean we ARE broken, cracked or damaged.

The broken jug when fixed, if missing any little piece, will leak. This suggests that each tiny piece, however insignificant or unpleasant, makes a contribution to the complete product.

Consider a jigsaw: made from a collection of pieces which, individually make very little sense at all. But together, whether the pieces are black or nondescript, beautifully detailed or anything in between, a whole picture forms. The jigsaw is not represented by any single piece. But is the jigsaw complete if even one piece, however plain or ugly, is missing? In its place among all the other pieces, that one piece (so unpleasant on its own) plays a part in The Whole. If you lock away or deny a piece of you which causes you difficulty…? If you refuse to include it in your jigsaw, will it ever be truly complete?

You can learn from your broken pieces; grow from them, and hopefully, with time and commitment, you may make peace with them. We are forged in fire. We are made of stronger stuff: resilient and capable. There is a way to ensure your pieces no longer have the power to define you but instead allowing it to REFINE you.

If you like what I do, please Like, Follow and/or Share. If you have a NEED for what I do, please get in touch.

Contact Sage Counsel: 086-8539718 sagecounsel@outlook.com

With World Mental Health Day approaching (October 10), I am publishing a series of tips to promote mental wellbeing in the individual.

Today’s focus is on the ability for one spark to start a fire. While we can read negatively into that image, let’s try not to; let’s look at the power of positivity instead.

One of my personal favourite concepts is the mantra that says “A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle”. How true that is. Does the flame of the original candle diminish? Quite the opposite – the world becomes doubly bright. The two candles light two more and now it is 400% brighter than it was in the first place. And so on and so forth: the light growing exponentially as it goes. That is the ideal I would like to promote today.

You may be wondering how this would be of benefit to you personally? Imagine sitting in darkness, a single flame. It’s a solitary place to be; disconnected; lonely and it’s so hard to see… and there you pass another who is without light. You reach out and make a connection; however small, however brief. Now before you stands a flame – both of you warmed by the existence of the other. You part ways, as individuals do, connecting with others and sharing your light as you go. The world suddenly feels an awful lot less hostile, less cold, less dark, less lonely.

Imagine the alternative: there you are, a lonely flame, wandering around, seeing so many unlit candles but keeping your distance. Maybe assuming they have the power to light their own flame? Maybe unsure they want your light? Maybe worried they might steal your light from you? Your light is YOURS: it is ALWAYS within you, even if it is burning low or barely a flicker.

Imagine if YOU are the unlit candle, seeing a flame pass you by, wishing just a little of their light and warmth would spread to you… And then the flame approaches and shares its glow. There you now stand, two flames burning bright in a world that can be dark and cruel: a moment shared, a precious connection made. How can two people not be changed by such a transaction?

So I say to you: Go! Spread your light. There is nothing to lose and so much to gain.

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Contact Sage Counsel: 086-8539718 sagecounsel@outlook.com

The run-up to World Mental Health Day (October 10) is a great time to review your own efforts towards safeguarding your mental health.

In an age where almost everything is disposable, or at least not built to last, we are conditioned to buy fast, buy cheap, buy many, possess more than can ever be needed… Consumerism 101. Unfortunately, this conditioning can infect many areas of life. One of the most problematic areas is friendship.

Slight retraction here: a couple of days ago, I suggested that it is human nature is to develop and improve on what previous generations teach; however this morning I find myself reflecting on one of the ways we have dropped the ball in recent times: friendship.

In a time where the world was unimaginably big and neighbours became family, our forefathers knew the value of true friendship. It wasn’t about Likes or Follows, it was about connection and support. They built things to LAST.

In this Disposable Age in which we find ourselves, many seem to opt for quantity: friend fast, friend easy, friend many, stockpile more friends than you could possibly tend to… Consumerism 101. This apparent popularity may look good to the outside world, but how does it impact the individual?

If you ‘friend fast’, ‘friend easy’ and ‘friend many’ how much can you truly know about your friends? How can we filter those who are meant for us from the masses? How could we possibly commit to so many people, without losing ourselves or burning out? How will we know who we can truly turn to in times of need?

While taking a leap of faith can be admirable, to do so regularly and with no insight seems reckless with your heart… for make no mistake! We plough as much of our heart into friendships as we do our romantic relationships… or we do with the ones that last.

If I am buying shoes for €10 in the high street, then I may well come home with multiple pairs and ultimately discover they are of poorer quality, uncomfortable, a poor fit or pretty but impractical. They give me blisters and no protection, and when the strap snaps or the sole peels, I will chuck them in the bin and resent spending a tenner on such nonsense. I find myself with a wardrobe full of barely worn shoes and an empty wallet.

However, if I decide to invest in a good pair of shoes I will take time browsing, fitting and choosing before buying. Now, I may only have one pair of shoes but I will love them, I will care for them, I will take pride in them and when they are falling apart, I will bring them to be resoled or repaired. And when their time is done, I will always remember those shoes fondly and wonder where I might find another such pair, because I will gladly spend every cent in my wallet on shoes like that.
Now THOSE are the kind of friends I want in my life. THAT is the kind of friend I try to be…

I can count on my hands the friends who have become family to me. And the reason for this progression is because both sides had the wisdom to invest in the friendship – it has to be reciprocal or it just doesn’t work. Time apart and distance does not taint these friendships, I would still walk over burning coals for any of them, should they need me… as I believe they would for me. Even if I haven’t seen them for years, my heart still swells at the thought of them, and I KNOW I am a good person and a good friend because I see it reflected back to me in the people I surround myself with. I, in turn, make every effort to remind them how they make the world (and MY world!) a better place.

Likes and Follows may give instant gratification and lift the spirits a little, but they are fickle and fleeting. Gimme a good pair of boots any day of the week and all the ‘cheap and cheerfuls’ can trot on…
Quality over quantity any day of the week.

If you like what I do, please Like, Follow and Share… hahahahaha!!! The irony!!!

If you have a NEED for what I do, get in touch 🙂

Contact Sage Counsel: 086-8539718 sagecounsel@outlook.com

The lead up to World Mental Health Day (October 10) is as good a time as any to reinforce our mental wellbeing. That in mind, let’s reflect on the nature of disappointment and managing expectations…

So often, we can find ourselves disappointed: by people, places, situations, results… it’s a horrible feeling in your gut: that sense of being let down, having wasted time or energy; that vaguely empty feeling, tinged with hurt.

It might be interesting to ask ourselves WHY we are disappointed. Perhaps we had expected a certain behaviour or reaction from someone. Perhaps we had an image in our minds of how a person or place would be. Perhaps we had played out a situation in our mind, ahead of time. Perhaps we had anticipated certain results on the back of certain behaviours or input…

Perhaps, you have identified a running theme by now? 🤔

Disappointment happens as a result of our expectations not being met. Therefore, if we can manage our expectations, in theory we should minimise our disappointment.
As social creatures, disappointment in each other tends to affect us deeply. People tend to see reflections of themselves in others.

Example: If I value good timekeeping and feel it is disrespectful to be late, I will likely apply my ‘code of conduct’ to others, setting me up with expectations. So when someone arrives late, I feel disrespected and disappointed. But perhaps that person values something else: maybe they feel making an effort with their appearance is a sign of respect. So, while I am on time (showing my respect) but dressed any way at all, they are late but well turned out (showing their respect). So here we both are, disappointed and confused by the reception we are getting from one another.

My Mental Wellbeing Tip of The Day: Next time you find yourself disappointed, apply the expectation filter: “Am I applying MY rules to this situation?”

It isn’t foolproof: sometimes we are reasonably disappointed. But sometimes, just sometimes, we set ourselves up.

Contact Sage Counsel: 086-8539718 sagecounsel@outlook.com

In the lead up to World Mental Health Day (October 10th), you might be wondering what is the simplest step you can take to increase your mental wellbeing?
While there is no definitive answer, Self Care must surely be among the power players.

But what is Self Care?
It can take many forms: a long, hot bath; time with loved ones; an hour with a good book; an early night or a lie-in; a massage; a date night; eating well… the list is endless. But the concept behind them all is the very same: Self Care is when you consciously take time out for yourself and give time to something that gives you joy, fulfilment, inner peace…

Self Care is what recharges our batteries. It happens when we put some of our time, thought and energy into OURSELVES.

In generations past, Self Care was often considered a luxury, navel-gazing, spoiling yourself… usually commented upon with a negative tone…

But what makes that right? Times change and we learn more and more about what makes us tick; what helps us to keep going… Self Care is NOT a luxury, but a necessity.
How can it be wrong to look inward and seek to understand yourself better? How can it be wrong to care for the only body and mind you will get in this lifetime? How can it be wrong to reward yourself for a job well done or a day survived?

We are always improving and developing on the teachings of our forefathers… there is no shame in moving on from outdated thoughts and caring for yourself to the best of your ability.

Tomorrow is a new day… how will you care for yourself?

Contact Sage Counsel: 086-8539718 sagecounsel@outlook.com